Kinky In Helsinki

It’s one of those nights where I have a lot to say, but struggle with the ability to get it all down in a cohesive manner.

You know, kinda like every single day here at From Inmates To Playdates.

For starters, I enjoyed breakfast and a pedicure with my BFF, Becky on Wednesday. As I picked up just about every single bottle of polish on the rack to choose one, I busted out laughing. For some reason that whole choosing a polish thing is a bit much for me. You’d think making a dumb decision like choosing a polish for one’s toe-nails would be easy. Decide on your mood, find a color to match it, and choose it. Instead, I stand there handsing all over the bottles, picking them up, shaking them, and turning them upside down to look at the name. You know, as if the name will make a difference as to whether or not I’ll choose it. Only it does make a difference. Because sometimes I find a color with a wonderfully delightful name, and I spend the rest of the week laughing at the color.

This week’s wonderfully delightful name was, “Kinky in Helsinki”

See, I told ya.

Wouldn’t you love to have the job of naming the nail polishes?

Man, my mind is racing just thinking of it. Thursday thirteen, anyone?

On a totally unrelated note, I have a Ginsu knife review/giveaway coming up next week. I got the knives in the mail a few days ago, ran them through the dishwasher and actually COOKED dinner this evening (Cola Chicken to be exact) so I could use them. You’ll have to tune in next week to see how the Ginsu can change your life.

Or something like that.

On the off chance that you did something stupid today, you should know that you are not alone.

I ran through the drive-through of the biscuit joint at the end of our street and got all the way home and into the garage before realizing I drove off with my ice-cold-coca-cola-classic, but not my biscuit. So, I opened the garage and drove right back down there to retrieve my scrambled egg and cheese biscuit.

What can I say? I was pre-occupied with my stubborn iPhone that wouldn’t come on. In fact, I was sure I was seeing the screen of death. As it turns out, it was just another episode of funky behavior. I think my beloved is on its way out. I sure hope not, but I am trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. If my precious dies, you can bet I’ll be crazy. As if my crazy flag could fly any higher…

I am, after all wearing Kinky in Helsinki and wielding ginsu knives.

Have a great weekend, y’all!

I Am Not A Morning Person

I am not a morning person.

For that reason you should not expect a picture of the beautiful sunrise that can be seen from our back deck in the mornings within the context of this post.

Not that I’ve ever witnessed a sunrise from the back deck, because, um, have I mentioned I’m not a morning person?

Rather, I do my best work at midnight and enjoy the peace and quiet that comes with that late hour.

Sadly, the County School Board does not see it my way and they have yet to adopt my plan for the new and improved school day that would begin at 9:00 AM. Instead, they insist that it is in the best interest of the children for the school day to begin at the crack-o-dawn 7:55 AM.

Which means, every morning at precisely 6:42 AM, I am awakened from a deep sleep by my stupid homedics SS5010 Sound Spa alarm clock signalling the start of another day.

I summons myself out of bed immediately, for I know if I do not I run the very probable risk that in between thinking about world peace and the latest episode of Dancing With the Stars, I will fall right back to sleep and will not know another thing until well after 8:00 AM which means that Stevie would be late for school.

Because I also set the alarm on my iPhone for 6:45 AM when McDaddy is out of town, thankfully, that has never happened.

Shortly after rolling out of bed, and just after I pee (I know, TMI!), I grab my morning coffee and wake up the kids.

If I would allow it, my sweet Alex would eat his beloved “brown sugar and cimmanum” pop-tarts every single morning.

As part of our morning routine, but just before heading out the door for school, my two boys somehow end up smearing this mess all over the bathroom.

I have no idea how they do it. I just know that somehow, (in a span of three minutes or less mind you), the McBoys have mastered the art of smearing tootpaste from one end of the bathroom to the other.

Which means I spend part of my morning cleaning cement toothpaste off of the bathroom countertop, the tile, and at least one morning a week from the door. Or the cabinet. Or the mirror.

How do you spend your morning?

You Capture is hosted by Beth over at  I Should Be Folding Laundry.

Cheaper Than Therapy

On Monday’s, I play a different kind of gig around here and tell you, my loyal readers about some things I definitely did not do.

It’s way better (and cheaper!) than therapy and the way I see it is, if I’m going to do dumb stuff, why not share my dumb stuff?

Y’all know I’m crazy, right?

It was not me who came thisclose to letting out a big-ole squeal in the middle of the preaching at church last evening because the stupid underwire in my bra broke through the cloth and jabbed me in the armpit. Not me, because first of all, I don’t squeal.

Ahem.

I did not get all teary eyed during an episode of Undercover Boss last night. I’m not really a crier and I am definitely not an emotional person.

Oh my word, I love that show.

I did not accidentally steal a data cable from a hotel thinking that it actually belonged to McDaddy.

Oh shoot, y’all, no I did not.

I am not the queen of returning merchandise (that does not hold up to normal wear and tear) and I do not have two pairs of shoes ready to be returned.

I am not  at this very minute trying to figure out how in the heck I could have a stupid fever blister on my lower lip at the end of August.

Nope, not me.

Have a great week, y’all!

Minding Your Business

Google sends quite a bit of business my way.

I am easily entertained as I read the searches that send people to From Inmates To Playdates. And what better way to entertain you, my loyal readers (all eight of you!), than to share those searches. I’ve picked a few to share this time.

Get a load of these…

Knoxville, Tennessee arrived from search.yahoo.com on “What I Learned At The Funeral Home” by searching for can anyone watch an embalming process.

  • Hello, Knoxville! I’m not sure if just anyone can watch an embalming process because its not for just anybody. It takes someone with a lot of quirks a strong stomach to watch the process. It also helps if you have a friend who is a mortician. Good luck with your future funeral home endeavors. I’d love to hear what you think.

Laurel, Mississippi arrived from google.com on “Wow! That’s weird. – From Inmates to Playdates” by searching for i tried to remove milia from my face and there is a deep bleeding hole.

  • Laurel, Mississippi, I’m glad you’re here but I’m not glad to hear about your problem with the um, deep bleeding hole . Wow, that’s a new one. It’s not everyday someone announces they have a ‘deep bleeding hole’ just before arriving at FITP, Inc. I must admit that using that milia tool didn’t appear to be too difficult and definitely not that dangerous. I’m sorry to say there’s probably not too much info around here to help with the deep bleeding hole but hearing about yours will definitely cause me to rethink using the tool on my self someday. So thanks so much! Good luck to you!

United States arrived from bing.com on “Letters To Crazy People – From Inmates to Playdates” by searching for crazy jeep people.

  • Those crazy jeep people are just that – CRAZY. They get their kicks by driving through creeks, over rocks, and straight up hillsides. They are serious about their jeeps and loyal to their peeps. Oh, and with my level of crazy, I fit right in with them.

Elk City, Oklahoma arrived from google.com on “What I Learned At The Funeral Home” by searching for grossest part of being a funeral director.

  • What’s up, Elk City? I have no idea what the grossest part of being a funeral director is because, um, I don’t happen to be one, but the grossest part of the embalming process was definitely aspirating the internal organs with a trocar. If you’re interested, you can certainly visit John T. Google to find out more about that, because there are very few people who want to hear about the actual details of the embalming. Thanks for stopping by!

Fpo, Armed Forces Pacific arrived from google.com on “Today on Guantanamo Bay” by searching for no vacancy windward brig GTMO.

  • Fpo Armed Forces Pacific how goes it? There was no room in the inn when I was on Guantanamo Bay back in 2009, because either 1. they have very few jail cells, or 2. they have way too many criminals on the island. Either way, I sure hope you don’t have plans to end up in the brig any time soon. I speak from experience when I say jail is not a place you want to be. Trust me on this one.

Middletown, Delaware arrived from us.yhs.search.yahoo.com on “Feeding Me A Line!” by searching for you sold me a line this time.

  • Hey Middletown! You have to be very skeptical about anyone who sells you a line because people will tell you anything. You’d be better off to take your money and run. But hey, thanks for popping in on me and my little blog.

Until next time… 

Google away y’all!

Crazy Is As Crazy Does!

I have a truck-load of quirks.

Still, I do my best to be organized and on top of my game.

That doesn’t however mean that I am always on top of my game.

Probably because I have a truck-load of quirks.

Sounds crazy, yes?

Which means that in an effort to keep the house organized and the contents of my crazy brain straight (a big job if you know anything about my brain), my quirks, cause, in the words of Thomas the Tank Engine, confusion and delay.

For that reason, I have some highly effective (for me, at least!) tips for keeping myself organized in spite of my quirks. With a side of crazy [tips].

And because there’s probably at least one other crazy person out there, I thought I’d share these highly effective tips.

1. I keep a running list of passwords for web-sites that I visit that require a password. I call it “Keys To My Kingdom.”

2. Because I never know when the crazy is going to hit, I carry a small notebook in my purse to jot down blog post ideas.

3. When I finish a roll of paper towels, I use the cardboard tube to store plastic grocery bags. The cardboard tube will fit perfectly under the seat of your car.

4. For blood stains, I pour peroxide on the stain and it will slowly pull the stain out of the fabric.

5. When folding laundry, I also upload pictures to photobucket. That way, I don’t feel like I’m just waiting around on photobucket to do its thing. I can fold at least three or four shirts during the upload and edit pictures in between sorting socks.

I was a multitasker before multitasking was cool.

6. I keep a calendar on the wall in the kitchen, a calendar in my purse, and a calendar in (on?) my iPhone.

You talk about crazy. Keeping three calendars is whats crazy! Especially when they haven’t been synched for weeks.

And yes, I do say “is what’s crazy” in real life.

I’m just keepin’ it real.

7. When cleaning windows and mirrors, I use white vinegar to eliminate streaks.

8. I clean out junk baskets frequently. There’s a good chance I’ll find something I’ve been searching for.

9. I make purchases for my church and the PTA. I immediately write my name and the organization on the reciept before placing it in the pit that is my purse. If not, it could get thrown away with the smashed bank suckers and gum wrappers.

10. I keep a pack of thank-you notes in the console of my van. While waiting in the school pick-up line, I use the time to write out thank you cards or notes.

That’s all the crazy for today, folks.

Head over to We Are THAT Family for some more crazy.

My Exciting Life

I am PTA President again this year at Stevie’s school, which means I am gearing up for the headaches.

The headache started yesterday with the news that the Vice President of the PTA moved out of district sometime over the summer. And didn’t think it necessary to contact me.

*Insert eye roll here*

Today, I’ll be working with a few mothers as we assemble 600 student handbooks.

It’s back to the PTA grind for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a SAHM and I enjoy being involved. I just don’t really like the headaches.

The headache of begging for help. And sending out desperate pleas. And finding out a PTA officer moved out of district from someone else, mind you, a mere three days before school is set to start.

I am thankful for those who help. And grateful that when there is work to be done there are parents that answer the call.

I’m gearing up for another exciting year as PTA President.

And for those of you who are really interested in all my life has to offer, later today I am off to visit the ear Doctor. I’ve had this nagging itch (for lack of a better term) for the better part of two years in my right ear.

I was advised by this same ear Doctor two years ago to never, ever put another Q-tip in my ear.

Then, he prescribed a cream for my ear that needed to be shoved into my ear canal with a q-tip.

Which sounds like a mixed message to me.

The ‘itch’ or whatever it is has gotten worse and has even caused me to wake myself up at night with my finger jammed half-way to my brain. Or something like that.

My medical Doctor suggested I put a drop of sweet oil in the right ear for two weeks to moisten the ear and allow the wax to build up saying my ear is just too dry. But after four or five times of the sweet oil (which felt like a clump of concrete in my ear), I decided the sweet oil wasn’t working because seriously the sweet oil made my ear itch even more.

Then, I purchased some ear candles at the Amish Flea Market and my friend, Jessica performed the ceremony.

When McDaddy heard that I had purchased ear candles (four for $10.00 in fact), he began singing the tune, “I called the witchdoctor he told me what to do…”

I was sure the ear candles would help my itchy ear because it made total sense to me. The ear candle would draw the dry skin, the wax, or whateverintheheck is in there causing it to itch, OUT.

I flopped myself on the floor and waited, with anticipation, for the candle to burn.

Sadly, the ear candling ceremony did little to cure my ear woes.

But it felt good.

Plus, I could hear something cracklin’ way back in my ear as the candle was burning. As an added bonus, once the candle had burned, Jessica unwrapped the candle to find it full (ear wax, maybe?) of something.

Still.

The itch raged on.

And it continues to do so.

Hopefully, I’ll get a fix.

Between my PTA duties and my ear, obviously, its an exciting life I lead.

Thanks For Hoppin’ By

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Well look who’s arriving late to the party!

Better late than never, I guess.

First off, I hate to be late.

For anything.

If this is your first visit to ‘From Inmates To Playdates’, I’d like to welcome you to my humble abode. I dish out a daily dose of crazy here everyday and I’d love for you to have a look around. I am a quirky girl who loves Jesus, her fellas, the Saturn Sky, and Dr. Pepper.

That whole Inmates to Playdates thing up there? Before hanging up my handcuffs to be a stay-at-home-mom, I was an inmate counselor in Jail. Oh, and just for the record, I did not find love in the jail, I only worked there. Now that we have that out of the way you can breath a sigh of relief and read on.

I am 36 and am married to McDaddy who happens to be the most patient man on the planet. He is a control systems genius engineer and also a member of the WV Air National Guard. He was recently deployed for six months to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where he diligently protected our butts, our freedoms and whatever else needed protecting. I talk about him often here at Inmates and I am so proud to be his wife.

Oh, and did I mention he is hot?

I have a seven-year old son named Stevie. He is a cool kid who loves Transformers, Lightning McQueen, Monster Trucks and his beloved DS. He is one of the sweetest kids I ve ever known and I m not at all just saying that because he is mine. He is thoughtful, polite and loving. (He s also very smart but I don t want to sound like one of those mothers).

I also have a four-year old son named Alex. He has two speeds. Asleep. And wide open. It is comical to watch him in action. He loves to run, jump, climb and bulldoze. He also likes Transformers, Lightning McQueen, Monster Trucks and his Leapster. He is sweet, stubborn independent and cute as a button.

My boys are the joy of my life and I am thankful for the privilege of being a [stay-at-home] mother. Even though I always thought I would have a daughter, I am thrilled that my boys are the best of friends and wonderful playmates.

As my tag-line reads, I am a self proclaimed princess who gave up a career in corrections for stay-at-home-mom royalty. I have a truck-load of quirks and I am gifted in the art of conversation. Just ask anybody. I enjoyed my time in jail very much but I enjoy motherhood even more.

This blog is like a bag of chex mix. Sometimes you get a boring ole raisin and sometimes you get the M&M. Either way, it is my life.

I have talked at length about my funeral, the fun I had while riding in a police car, watching an embalming, and even pap smears. Some days I talk about my sweet boys, my hubby or my Jesus.

Feel free to look around and enjoy my daily dose of crazy. Believe me, there is plenty to go around. Thanks for hopping by.

Carry On!

A big thanks to Robin over at Pensieve for hosting this shin-dig!

I’ll Be Here All Weekend.

NoGoBlogHerHundreds, perhaps thousands of bloggers will be converging on New York for BlogHer 2010.

Sadly, I am not one of those bloggers.

Instead, I am participating in the No-Go BlogHer blog hop sponsored by To Be Thode and Marf Mom.

We have been asked to answer a couple of questions and then. THEN, we will be entered to win one of the really great prizes offered by these two generous gals and their sponsors. And since my bloggy luck has been pretty awesome as of late, I decided to play along.

So here goes.

1. When did you start blogging?

  • I started blogging back in 2006 over on mySpace, but I took the plunge and started From Inmates To Playdates in November, 2008.

2. Why did you start blogging?

  • I started blogging because I happened upon a blog over on mySpace. I started my own blog here on the world wide web because I enjoy making people laugh and because it is all mine! As a mother and wife, few things are all mine. This here blog though? ALL. MINE.

3. What is one thing you are going to do this week that is WAY cooler than going to BlogHer?

  • I know without a doubt that I would miss my fellas if I travelled to BlogHer. Instead of missing them, I’ll be right here serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to two of the cutest little boys on the planet. Oh, and I’ll be spreading my fabulosity along the way, too!

4. Share a post that you thing says a lot about you or is your favorite. 

  • Um, there are lots of them, but I’d have to say the post I wrote after watching an embalming probably speaks volumes about my quirks – it’s entitled What I Learned At The Funeral Home.

Lessons From The Passenger Seat

It’s another post from the road. Can you believe WE ARE STILL DRIVING?

We are still ONE WHOLE HOUR AWAY from the hotel.

At least sixty more minutes.

Stella has lost her groove.

And she’s grumpy.

Thought this might be a great time to share lessons I’ve learned from the passenger seat. I need to warn you though. The information shared will be of no use to 94% of my reader population.

1. I really like Bonnie Raitt. I had totally forgotten about her until I heard her song, Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About.

2. The new Ford Taurus is not on my list of cool cars.

3. The stretch of North Carolina that one must drive through when driving from West Virginia to Florida, has not 3G. This makes playing Words With Friends and looking at pictures on the Facebook challenging unless you enjoy starring at a screen watching a white circle go round and round and round.

Which I don’t.

4. Cheezit Snack Mix is pretty tasty but should not be eaten without something to wash it down with.

5. If the Dodge Caravan allowed about two more inches between the passenger seat and the dash board, I could comfortably rest my feet on there without bending my knees.

6. I love the song ‘Give Me Your Eyes’ by Brandon Heath. It is among my top five favorite songs.

7. There is more JUNK on the radio than there is actual music.

8. Safelite must spend millions on their radio advertising because we’ve heard their ad three times in the past forty minutes.

9. I hate traffic. Especially the stopped kind.

10. When my feet are propped up on the dashboard and my laptop is on my lap, I have about 9.3 minutes before my feet are totally asleep.

11. The iPhone is a great little gadget to have on long trips. Words With Friends is a must.

12. I often wonder if the invention of the GPS put a hurtin’ on Triple AAA’s business. Our GPS is a Garmen and McDaddy calls it Carmen.

13. I have not seen even one Saturn Sky in 862.9 miles.

14. 862.9 miles is JUST ABOUT MY FREAKIN’ LIMIT folks.

There. I said it.

What did you learn this week? I’d love for you to share! Please link directly to your WILTW post, and not your blog in general.

Thursday Thirteen – My Greatest Hits

It occurred to me recently that some of you folks are newcomers to this here blog.

For that reason, I thought it might be fun to visit a few of my favorite posts. I’m diggin’ deep in the archives today because that seems easier than filtering out some of the nonsense rolling around in my brain tonight.

Enjoy the crazy. Clearly, there is plenty to go around.

1. The one where I watch an embalming – What I Learned At The Funeral Home.

2. The letter I wrote to the naked lady – Y Are You Naked?

3. Very often here at From Inmates To Playdates, I write letters to crazy people. On days that I’m feeling, oh, I don’t know, particularly crazy, I might even write a letter to myself. – Dear Me.

4. The longest post ever and one you’ll certainly want to read if you’ve ever considered getting Mirena – A Long, Windy Tail.

5.  A post about what ails me – The Heels And The Spurs.

6. My first trip to The Price Is Right – The Price Is Right, But The Fashion Was All Wrong.

7.  About my time in Jail – I Spent Five Years In Jail. Really, I did!

8. One of the few times I’ve blogged about the Saturn Sky – This Is How I Roll!

9. Kicking deployment in the booty, after six long months – Taking A Deep Breath.

10. Topless and Shoeless – all in the same night.

11. The crappy job you’ll have if your child swallows a coin. – This Too Shall Pass.

12. Because I’m a control freak, I’ve planned every detail of my funeral. – Over My Dead Body.

13. Visiting McDaddy during his deployment on Guantanamo Bay – It Don’t GTMO Better Than This!

[Edited to add perhaps my all-time FAVORITE post]

14. The one where I FINALLY GET A SATURN SKY. – Me, My Guy And The Sky.

Happy Thursday, y’all!

And happy reading, too!