Letters To Crazy People

Yup, you guessed it.

Another edition hilarious edition of Letters To Crazy People.

Why?

Well, because the world is full of ‘em.

And, because those same crazy people are actually raising children, which means – you guessed it! – even more crazy people.

Off we go….

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Dear Crazy Parents in the Mexican Restaurant sitting at the table across from us,

Your screaming kid is a nuisance. While I completely understand that from time to time, children decide to have an all-out fit in a restaurant (I should know because I had a kid who was a pro at it!) and it may take a few minutes to get little Johnny calmed down, you should understand that the patrons in the restaurant were there trying to enjoy a quiet, relaxing dinner. When Alex was a toddler, his favorite thing to do was throw a big, hairy fit almost as soon as we were seated at a table. McDaddy and I spent many a dinner holed up in the car with our sweet angel while the rest of the family enjoyed their meal in the restaurant. It took some doing, but eventually, we got him out of the fit throwing in public. If you do not get control of that behavior, you will not be able to take Johnny anywhere by the time he is five or six. Please, on behalf of the 30+ people trying to enjoy a night out and a good meal, take your screaming maniac OUTSIDE next time.

Sincerely,

The Patrons at Los Agaves around 6 pm last Monday night

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Dear Crazy Parents Raising Kids to be brats,

I could seriously write a 1,483 word letter to this crazy bunch. Where are we as a society, when responsible adults encourage, allow and accept that their kids are bullies and brats? I would suspect there are many of you out there in this category who would never admit they are a card-carrying member of this club. Heck, maybe you don’t even realize you hang out here. Rest assured, that the rest of us know who you are. We also know who your kids are. And we don’t want them around our kids for any amount of time, because, well, to be honest, we don’t want that type of behavior to rub off. What happened to ‘treat others how you want to be treated’ or ‘do unto others’, or ‘if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything’ or ‘ be kind to one another’? Honestly, one of the toughest issues for parents is talking to our kids about being kind to others, even those who are not nice. Because, in reality, it would be easier to tell our kid to punch your kid in the face. Instead, we hold our tongue, encourage our kids to be kind to everyone, and wait for some bigger brat bully karma to work its magic.

Best Wishes,

Parents Doing Their Best To Raise Respectful, Kind Children

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Dear People Who Use #Hashtags on Facebook,

STOP.

IT.

What started out as something so simple – #love, #vacation, #cats – (thanks, Twitter!) and even fun is now nothing more than #sentenceswithoutspacesyo! a bunch of letters crammed behind a pound sign. I mean, I do understand their purpose on Twitter and I even thought the hashtag was a great idea for those who tweet. But, that was long before the general public decided it was perfectly acceptable to turn #summer into #chillinonthebeachforthenextweek or #fitness into #imdownfivemorepoundsthankstopx90orwhateverthenewestfitnesstrendisthisweek. Seriously, the hashtag gets on my nerve.

In anticipation of your valued non-character response,

The Girl Who Despises Hashtags

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Dear Unnamed Son of Mine,

I realize that your iPod going dead is an aggravation. That generally happens when you play it on and off for three days and neglect to charge it. I know it makes me the meanest mother on the planet, but , no, you may not play on my phone. There is a reason it’s called an iPhone and not an UsPhone.

Peace, Love and Pogo Sticks,

Your Momma

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What would your letter to a crazy person say today?

Letters To Crazy People

It’s been one of those days. For that reason, it’s also time for another popular installment of Letters to Crazy People.

Dear Local School Officials,

When you send home an information sheet regarding a survey that will be administered to students later this week that uses the words, sensitive and material, you better believe I’m going to be all up in there asking to see a copy of it before it is presented to my kid. I don’t trust any of you jokers to do the right thing.

Sincerely,

That Parent

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Dear Rude Driver,

When you approach a construction zone on the interstate and see the “Right Lane Closes In 1 Mile” sign – that is YOUR CUE to GET OVER into the left lane. It is not time to speed as fast as you can in front of every other vehicle slowly and cautiously merging into the left lane and then expect those drivers FOLLOWING THE DANG RULES to let your sorry butt over, because I can tell you this: I will never, IN A MILLION FRIGGIN’ YEARS let you over.

You can take that to the bank.

Aggravated and Agitated,

The Gal Driving That Cute Little Saturn Sky That Refused To Let You Over This Morning

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Dear Taco Bell,

Your “I’m Ronald McDonald and I love Taco Bell’s new breakfast” commercial, is um, confusing, yet brilliant.

Amused,

Julie

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Dear People with the last name McDonald,

Who names their kid Ronald?

Curious,

Julie

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Dear FOX Television,

“I Want To Marry Harry”

Really?

I mean, is it really the Prince Harry?

So Excited,

Princess Julie

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Dear Crazy Person Driving The Blue Truck,

When hauling a truck-load full of junk (and that’s exactly what it was) you need to make sure you secure the junk, so that a hot water tank doesn’t shift and almost fall right off the back of your truck into traffic.

Strap Your Crap Down Clown,

The Poet

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Dear Alex,

I know that new glasses are exciting. And I get that you “can’t really wait” because WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU GOT THAT LOVELY TRAIT FROM? but you can rest assured that I will let you know the minute the call comes through saying your glasses are ready. There’s really no need to ask me every hour if I’ve heard from the glasses place.

I Love You,

Mommy

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Dear Julie,

When your eleven year old (WHO DOESN’T MISS A THING) tells you that his game is at noon on Saturday, and not at 6:00 PM, even though that’s what you have written on your calendar, you might recall that you are 40 and your mind is not as sharp as it used to be.

Yours Truly,

Julie

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What would your Letter To A Crazy Person say today?

Letters To Crazy People (Olympic Edition)

Dear Nathalie Pechalat and Fabian Bourzat,

When you use opening moves directly from the film “Dirty Dancing” in your figure skating routine to “Time of My Life,” – YOU. WIN. Period.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face,

A Dirty Dancing Fan from WAY BACK

—–

Dear Bob Costas,

I am so happy that your eye is all healed up. Although Matt Lauer did a fine job filling in for you, somehow the Olympics are just not the same without you.

Eye I appreciate you,

A Loyal Olympic Viewer

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Dear Apolo Ohno,

Speed Skating isn’t nearly as fun to watch without you in it. OHNO, it’s not! Enjoyed your commentary though!

Oh YES, I’m talking about you again,

Julie

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Dear NBC,

Y’all.

These stories you all run night after night always bring tears to my eyes. The Russian adopted gal, the Canadian skier and his disabled brother with cerebral palsy, the young female snowboarder who was instrumental in bringing the half-pipe to Olympics, Steven Holcomb’s cornea problems, and OH MY WORD, I could just prattle ON AND ON AND ON with these stories. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for bringing us these special moments.

Writing this through tear-filled eyes,

One Highly Emotional Gal

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Dear Johnny Weir,

MY MY MY. Why not just add a “D” to the end of your name and call it a day?

Your wardrobe choices were over the top and the weave, well, the weave was funky.

I guess I just don’t get it.

Shaking My Head,

A Fashion Consultant Wannabe

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Dear Slovenia,

Your lime green and turquoise color scheme is simply beautiful. I would love to have a jacket and matching toboggan like those worn by Slovenia ski fans, only without the whole Slovenia name on them.

Can somebody hook a girl up?

Crossing My Fingers,

A bright, cheerful girl from USA.

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Dear International Figure Skating Committee,

There HAS TO BE a simpler way to score figure skating so that we ice skating fans could better understand it.

Math has never been my strong suit, but I think that even I could come up with something a little less complicated.

Can one of you get on that before PyeongChang, please?

Thanks so much,

An Olympic Figure Skating Fan

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And with that, the 2014 Olympic Winter Games are finished.

Have a great week, y’all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letters To Crazy People

Because I am in that kind of mood, I’m writing some letters to crazy people today.

Enjoy.

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Dear Crazy Neighbor,

As you are well aware, we live on a one-lane street. Slow your stupid self down before you cause an accident. Oh, and as an added bonus, you could try smiling while you do it.

Sincerely,

The lady in the big blue truck that you just about ran off the road yesterday.

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Dear McDaddy,

You will be glad to know that I have finally mastered the art of taking the Silverado through the drive-through lane at the bank without hitting the bank.

So, there’s that.

You’re Welcome,

Your lovely wife

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Dear Elf Haters,

Why?

Perplexed,

An Elf Owner

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Dear Facebook “Friends,”

It has come to my attention that some of you live absolutely miserable lives. Life is too short for that nonsense. Seriously, just be happy. (Unless you’re turning 40 in a week, and then, I might understand.)

Your “Friend” [at least for now]

Julie

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Dear Thirty-Nine,

No use hanging on. You have worn out your welcome and it’s time to say your goodbyes. I will be there in less than a week.

Excitedly,

Forty

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Dear Forty,

I gave her the best years of her life. Really, I did. It’s going to be tough to leave this ol’ gal. We’ve had a great time together. Be good to her.

Sad and Depressed,

Thirty-Nine

—–

Dear McHottie McDaddy,

You make 40 look good.

So glad you’re mine,

Your younger wife

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Dear Mother-Nature,

This almost-seventy degree weather is glorious. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if I never saw another snowflake for the rest of my life.

Loving You This Week,

Julie

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What would your “Letter to a Crazy Person” say today?

Letters To Crazy People

Because it’s been w-a-y too long since my last installment of Letters to Crazy People….

Dear Baseball Coaches,

If your team is ahead by more than 10 runs, you should BY ALL MEANS instruct your team to knock off the taunting and the clapping.

Sincerely,

An aggravated bookkeeper

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Dear Miss America Audience Members,

What exactly is Vemront, anyway? Get your letters in the right order, ding dongs.

Signed,

An Amused Viewer

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Dear Julie,

The next time there is painting to be done up in this house, you should make for darn sure you choose something besides oil-based paint.

Just a Thought,

Your Big Dummy Self

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Dear FOX Sports Commentators,

Before commentating a West Virginia University football game, you should do your homework. West Virginia University is located in Morgantown, WEST VIRGINIA, not Western Virginia. You truly are a crazy person.

Yours Truly,

A Proud Mountain Mama

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Dear McDaddy,

There are some things that even I won’t share on the blog. But you do make me laugh.

I Love You,

Julie

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Dear Bath and Body Works,

You hit your mark with the Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin candle. My house smells divine!

Yum!

A loyal customer

—–

Dear Crazy Neighbor,

It is comical to me that you are complaining about our brick mailbox to another neighbor. When we moved up on this hill, your peach of a daughter refused to allow McDaddy to turn around on your property, which meant he had to drive the largest moving truck available at the U-Haul off of our hill IN REVERSE. Maybe you should try being kinder.

Sincerely,

Well, you know who I am

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What would your letter to a crazy person say today?

Letters To Crazy People

It’s been awhile since I’ve written one of these posts, but it’s not because I haven’t encountered any crazy people. Folks, the world is FULL OF ‘EM.

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Dear Almost-40 “Friend” on Facebook,

Your daily “selfies” (By the way, I hate that word!) are ridiculous. I realize it is called FACEbook, but that really doesn’t mean we want to see your FACE everyday by way of a new self-portrait. Stop. The. Selfie. Madness.

Sincerely,

Your Facebook “Friend”

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To the Grammar Blogger who left a comment on my blog,

Surely to goodness you have something better to do with your time than leave a comment on a blog post pointing out a spelling error and then offering up your ridiculously expensive services.

Take your services and stick them where the sun don’t shine. (How’s that for grammar?)

Oh, and by the way… your comment went to my SPAM folder, which is where it belonged in the first place.

With Love,

Julie at From Inmates To Playdates Dot Com

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Dear Crazy People,

PLEASE QUIT TYPING IN ALL CAPS. IT MAKES YOU LOOK IMMATURE AND CHILDISH. And while I’m at it, using hash-tags any place other than Twitter or Instagram is ridiculous.

Thank you kindly,

A fellow crazy person who refuses to use all caps or #hashtags

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Dear Robin Thicke,

I love your song Blurred Lines. But I would love it even more if I didn’t have to mute it at 1:28.

Dang,

Julie

—–

Dear Julie,

When you hear a few minutes of a song on the radio, it is probably wise to listen to the entire song before downloading it to your iPhone.

Just a suggestion,

Robin Thicke

—–

Dear McDaddy,

I know you think I am crazy for sending you pictures of things I see on Pinterest almost daily. If I didn’t think you were capable of the many projects I have on my Pinterest Board, I wouldn’t send you the ideas. I have no doubt that you are perfectly capable of busting up a concrete floor in the downstairs bathroom to create a beautiful walk-in shower. I also have full faith that we (and by we, I obviously mean you!) can design an awesome deck with cool winding stairs.

Love,

Your Crazy Wife

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What would your letter to a crazy person say today?

Letters To Crazy People

Y’all.

It is W-A-Y past time for another edition of letters to crazy people. I was about *thisdarnclose* to getting cold-cocked at the ball field by a crazy redneck mom who needed the you-know-what smacked out of her.

At that very moment, I had a clear understanding of how Little League fights start.

I am not the fighting type. But had ol girl socked me in my jaw, it woulda been ON.

Or, I might have peed down my leg.

Either way, it would not have been pretty.

So, to kick this thing off… we might as well start here….

Dear Crazy Loud Mouth Witch At The Ball-Field,

Last Saturday, I approached you at the ball-field to speak to you privately after you shouted some nastiness at my family. Shame on you for being so insensitive and rude to my handicapped family member. As bad as I wanted to pop you right square in your jaw, I refrained myself because 1. You are not worth going to jail over and 2. There were kids there. With parents like you, it is no wonder kids act the way they do in today’s world.

May you never find yourself in a wheelchair.

But if you do, I hope there’s no one around to push you in it.

Sincerely,

#5’s Mom

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Dear Saturn Sky,

What is up with your seatbelt? When your seatbelt decides to lay down and play dead, I have no other choice but to leave your shiny butt sitting in the garage because, um, I can’t stand the thought of being splayed out all over the interstate if by chance I would have a wreck.

Please cooperate so we can play together again.

Yours Truly,

The Gal That Drives You 98% of the Time

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Dear McDaddy,

Our 15th Anniversary is right around the corner. Let’s do go somewhere fun!

After all, I’m worth it.

Love,

Your Lovely Wife

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Dear Blog Readers,

If you are not watching / have never watched Duck Dynasty, what in the heck is wrong with ya? THAT is one of the funniest shows on television, and you are missing out.

Signed,

A New DD Fan

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Dear Kanawha County Board Of Education,

Last week, I attended an open house at our local Middle School. I will never EVER, so long as I live agree with your decision to move our ten-year old, 5th grade babies to the MIDDLE SCHOOL. No amount of statistics, facts, or rhetoric will EVER convince me that this is what is best for our children. It burns me up to think about it.

Still disgusted – even after two years,

An Unhappy Mommy

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Dear Guy In McDaddy’s Squadron,

I can never thank you enough for what you are doing for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely,

One Happy Lady

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Dear Circuit Court Clerk,

Thank you for excusing me from jury service. Normally, I would love to do my civic duty and serve on a jury (especially if I could be the foreman), but right now, I am needed on the home front. Maybe next time my number comes up, I’ll be available.

Thanks Again,

Prospective Juror #51084

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Dear A & E,

Shame on your for cutting out the words, “In Jesus’ name” from Phil Robertson’s prayer at the end of each episode of Duck Dynasty. If I didn’t enjoy the show so much, I’d boycott your station.

Please reconsider,

A Loyal DD Fan aka Princess Julie

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What would your letter to a crazy person say today?

Letters To Crazy People

If you’ve spent any amount of time around here, you know that Letters to Crazy People is a regular feature around here. It also happens to be one of my favorite feature because Letters To Crazy People pretty much writes itself. Rest assured, there are some crazy people out there. And what’s crazier is that I seem to encounter more than my share of the crazy people.

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Dear Dancing With The Stars Powers That Be,

Dancing With the Stars is just not the same without my boyfriend, Maksim shakin’ his money-maker. You need to get him back. PRONTO.

Sincerely,

A loyal DWTS Fan

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Dear Crazy Dad At The Ball Field,

Your kid is 10. As in TEN YEARS OLD. He is not playing for the New York Yankees. He is not making a gazillion dollars. Give it a friggin’ rest and enjoy the game.

Shakin’ My Head,

The Nosey Bookkeeper

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Dear Grocery Store Bagger Boy,

Perhaps you should go back and retake the “how to bag” course. Eggs, in case you are confused, should be placed in a bag by themselves, or at the very most with a loaf of bread. They have no business being bagged with a 5-pound pot-roast and can of corn.

Come On Now,

The aggravated lady at register 3

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Dear Friends of Mine,

If you call my phone frequently, your contact picture has probably been replaced with one of Shemar Moore, Maksim Chmerkovskiy or Derek Hough. Yes, I realize that makes me a crazy person.

And yes, you can ask to see who comes up when you call.

You’re Welcome!

Julie

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Dear Baseball Bling Flip-Flop Place,

When I order a pair of baseball bling flip flops from your website, I expect to get what I pay for. Black, flat flip-flops are not the same as brown flip-flops with a heel. And I was so friggin’ excited to get them.

Danggit.

A Disappointed Customer

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Dear Crazy Lady On Facebook,

It dawned on me the other day that I haven’t seen you and your new man’s mug plastered all over my Facebook feed in weeks. I was surprised to find out you had “defriended” me. Do you know how hard it is to nose in someone’s business when you do that?

No, I didn’t think so.

No Longer Up In Your Bidness,

Nosey McRosey

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Dear Julie,

You have no business buying Funyuns or Fudge Rounds while in the midst of a Biggest Loser competition.

You know better than that nonsense,

Team Black “Weapons Of Mass Reduction” Captain

—–

Dear Stevie and Alex,

Hurry up and eat the stupid Fudge Rounds. And before you ask, NO, WE ARE NOT BUYING MORE.

Love,

Your Mother

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Dear SAMS,

I was just wondering if I could buy a single earring. I received a beautiful pair of hoops from there for Christmas. Then I lost one.

Crossing My Fingers,

The lady with one earring

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Dear Si Robertson,

If ever there was a crazy person on the planet, it is you, pal. You have provided me with many-a-laugh, and I appreciate it!

Signed,

The Gal Who Peed Her Pants

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What would your letter to a crazy person say today?

Letters To Crazy People

It’s that time again….

Dear Parents In The Morning Drop-Off Line:

When you rush to the entrance of the school instead of following the leader and WAITING YOUR FRIGGIN’ TURN, you are saying to your child that it is perfectly acceptable to act like a fool. And it’s people like you who are responsible for raising a society of children who are taught that waiting their turn isn’t necessary. And we wonder what the heck is wrong with children today.

Sincerely,

A Disgusted Parent

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Dear Julie,

Just because your Facebook friend posts a “Lazy Day Cookie Cake” recipe on the Facebook, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to make it. In fact, you should not, under any circumstances bake it. You’ll thank me later.

Your Pal,

The Fitness APP

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Dear Nicki Minaj,

I shouldn’t waste my time typing this, but I’m going to anyway. Your fake British accent, your wigs, and your ridiculous eye-lashes are a little more than I can handle. Heck, even  your name is fake! American Idol is one of my favorite shows, but it’s all I can do to stomach your crazy over-the-top freak show personality. It’s going to be a L-O-N-G season.

Yours Truly,

A Longtime Fan of The Show

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Dear American Idol Producers / FOX / Simon Cowell / Nigel Lythgoe / Whom It May Concern,

Where to start, where to start? Of ALL the singers, entertainers, producers, managers, stage hands and sound board techs out there in the entertainment industry today, is Nicki Minaj seriously the best y’all could do? I’ve been a loyal viewer for as many seasons as you’ve been on the air, and I’ve embraced every. single. judge. that has graced the judging table, but you are pushing my limit this time. I “get” that she is a megastar who has sold millions (maybe even billions) of records (Heaven help us!), but holy smokes folks, it is tough to take her seriously when she’s wearing a pink poodle wig and three-inch eyelashes.

I repeat, it’s gonna be a long season.

Sincerely,

A Fan With A Strong Opinion

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Dear Julie,

You have 1,108 photos in your iPhone photo album. 820 of those are screen shots of nonsense that you have taken to share with Missy and/or McDaddy. Clear some of that mess off and it will be much easier to find pictures that you actually took.

With all my love,

Your beloved iPhone

—-

Dear Gals on Buckwild,

One of these days – probably once you are momma – you will be sorry you acted a fool on national television. If it weren’t for seeing local landmarks, knowing Joey’s parents, and laughing at Shain, I wouldn’t even watch the show.

You shoulda kept it classy,

A WV Mom

—-

Dear McDaddy,

I am so stinkin’ proud of you. You are almost there! Just one more to go and we gonna celebrate BIG!

I love you with all my heart!

I’m a Princess because I married a Prince,

Julie-Bell

—-

Dear Young Guy at Sports Complex Birthday Party,

I don’t claim to know everything. Really, I don’t. But I was surprised to sit and watch you clean tables at the birthday party with Windex, as opposed to, oh, I don’t know, Lysol maybe? Perhaps you missed the memo pal, but West Virginia just so happens to be in the midst of a friggin’ flu epidemic right now and when there are 30 germy little paws touching every. single. thing. they come into contact with, it makes sense, to me at least, to USE SOMETHING THAT KILLS GERMS, instead of something that cleans glass.

Shakin’ my head,

An Upset Patron

—-

Dear Owner of Sports Complex Birthday Party Place,

You might want to go over some sanitation procedures with a certain young man working at your complex. You may also want to let him know that Windex belongs on the mirrors, not the tables. I’m guessin’ it’s hard to find good help these days.

Sincerely,

The Gal In The Corner Booth trying to keep her kids well.

What would YOU write to a crazy person today?

Letters To Crazy People

Dear Louis Vuitton Outlets,

PLEASE STOP SPAMMING MY BLOG. Your comments must be approved by the blog author. Last time I checked, that was me, and I will never ever approve your spam. SO STOP IT ALREADY.

Sincerely,

A Purse Lover Who Hates Spammers

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Dear ASPCA,

Your commercials are hideous. STOP. IT.

Seriously,

The gal who mutes your depressing commercials.

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Dear Julie,

Your house is a hot-mess. You do not have a maid. Put down the beloved iPhone, stop playing GEMS with friends, turn off the television, AND GET YOUR CRIB CLEANED UP.

Thank You Kindly,

Julie

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Dearest Saturn Sky,

I regret to inform you that the time has come to move you to the storage facility a.k.a the inlaw’s extra garage. I am so sorry to do this to you, but I cannot bear the thought of scraping MY WINDSHIELD every. stinkin’. morning.

Always and Forever,

The SKYHIGH Driver

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Dear Influenza A,

Get out and stay out. That is all.

One Aggravated Momma

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Dear MTV,

This Buckwild nonsense is ridiculous. It is my hope that America has enough sense to know that these seven goofballs are not an accurate representation of our community, or our state. I live within miles of where you jokers filmed this show, and I am appalled.

Ugh,

An Aggravated Resident

——

Dear Sweet Boys,

I know that we’ve been super busy these past three weeks. That is NO friggin’ excuse for your rooms to look the way they do. For the love of all that is holy, please, please, please clean them up before I come knockin’ on your door with a trash bag. And you boys know I will do it in a hot minute.

With all my love,

Your Mom

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What would your letter to a crazy person say today?