Some days, these blog posts just write themselves.
The following is a true story.
11:23 AM – Call my friend Jessica to see if she’d like to run to a Primitive Shop and lunch after I finish popping popcorn at Alex’s school. Though she would love to go, she is in the middle of cleaning house and needs to finish up the laundry.
11:31 AM – Climb into the JEEP with my friend Tricia headed to a nearby town with a great Primitive shop and Mexican restaurant.
11:42 AM – Hear a “rumbling” sound coming from the front passenger side of the JEEP.
11:44 AM – Talk to Tricia as the “rumbling” gets louder.
11:45 AM – Pull off on the side of the road and come to a complete stop.
11:46 AM – Pull out onto the road, slowly speed up.
11:47 AM – Hear the rumbling again once the JEEP hits 65 miles per hour.
11:48 AM – Become agitated that this crap didn’t happen when McDaddy was driving because he would know what to do. Decide I should probably get off at the next exit and call him to
complain find out what to do.
11:49 AM – Look in my rearview mirror. Grab the wheel with both hands. Move into the lane closest to the emergency lane on the off-chance that I need to get off of the road quickly.
11:50 AM – Hear a BIG, LOUD, CRAZY, THUMP and decide quickly that we’ve popped a tire. Pull into the emergency lane, without incident.
11:51 AM – Get out of the JEEP and proceed to the passenger side to check the tire.
11:52 AM – The tire is fine. My nerves are not.
11:53 AM – Notice something in the road several feet behind where we were stopped.
This is the “something”
11:54 AM – Risk life and limb on a busy highway to walk back to the “something” and decide that it most likely came off of the JEEP. Touch it quickly to determine if it is hot. Decide that the middle is warm and LIKE AN IDIOT stick my fingers into the holes on the end to carry it back to the JEEP.
11:55 AM – Burn the you-know-what out of my finger. Howl like a wolf.
11:56 AM – Walk back to the JEEP to look for a way to get the HOT “something” back to the JEEP.
11:57 AM – Find a towel in the back of the JEEP. Walk back to the “thing” and pick it up with the towel.
11:58 AM – Take the thing back to the JEEP and take a picture to send to McDaddy.
11:59 AM – Receive a call from McDaddy that says something like, “Please tell me that is not off of the JEEP.” Followed by, “It is the drive shaft.”
12:00 PM – Verify that yes, indeed it fell from our JEEP as best as we can tell, and also that there is a pinkish-red fluid dripping from the bottom of the JEEP, tell him about my burnt finger, and mention that we could have been killed.
12:01 PM – McDaddy tells me that I am nuts, instructs me to put the JEEP in four-wheel drive and move it away from the road, place the key under the mat, and find a ride home (because he is working out-of-town).
12:02 PM – Explain that I will move it closer to the guard rail and find a way home. Whine about my burnt finger.
12:03 PM – Discover that the JEEP will not budge. Put the JEEP into neutral and steer it as Tricia pushes the vehicle closer to the guard rail.
12:04 PM – Discover this puddle of fluid. Call McDaddy to tell him about the puddle of fluid and tell him that the JEEP will not budge.
12:05 PM – Call my friend Jessica, convey a short version of the story to her and ask if she is available to take a break from her house-cleaning to rescue two damsels in distress.
12:06 PM – Get all nervous when a car pulls off of the road and a stranger approaches us. Confirm that our ride is on its way, and politely thank the gentleman for stopping. Silently thank God we weren’t nabbed or robbed.
12:08 PM – Commiserate with Tricia about the incident while trying to get my blood pressure back to a reasonable level. Complain about my burnt finger, and agree with her, that yes, we could have been killed.
12:12 PM – Get all nervous all over again when a second stranger stops to offer help.
12:16 PM – Pile into Jessica’s Expedition and thank her over and over for picking us up. Offer to treat her to lunch if she has the time. Show her my burnt finger.
12:17 PM – Pull into the restaurant and tell Tricia and Jessica about a scene on Cheer Perfection where one of the moms peed on a burn to relieve the pain. Contemplate peeing on my own finger because OH MY WORD, THE PAIN!!!!
12:19 PM – Can you guess what happened in the bathroom?
12:23 PM – Return to the table, anxious to confirm that yes, the pee took the sting out of the burn. (You’re welcome!) And then confirm that I washed my hands thoroughly.
12:26 PM – Order an ice-cold Coca-Cola classic that I sucked down like a boss because my nerves were shot.
1:49 PM – Leave the restaurant.
1:56 PM – Pass by the “scene” and call McDaddy to tell him the JEEP has already been towed to the shop.
2:10 PM – Arrive back at my house in time to pick Alex up from school.
2:12 PM – Pull this out of the garage
and hope it is more reliable than the last vehicle I drove.
3:14 PM – Find out from McDaddy that the transfer case will need replaced along with the drive shaft.
3:15 PM – Remind him that he should be happy that’s all he has to replace, because after all, I could have been killed. And spend the rest of the week looking for life insurance policies in my name.
Like I said, sometimes this crazy writes itself.