What I Learned This Week – Mouse Edition

I have been keeping a running list of all the things I learned this week and I was totally prepared to share that list with you, today, here in this forum.

Anybody remember The People’s Court?

And then. THEN!

An unexpected visitor showed up and I came thisclose to hyperventilation (it’s a word in my book) laced with a panic attack and I figured anything that had me that worked up should at least be used as an opportunity to learn and grow and so I am switching gears and writing about something that just might gross you the heck out. Or give you the willies. Or make you shiver. Or all of the above.

It all started on Saturday evening. McDaddy and I were sitting together as we always do, on opposite ends of the couch, both with our laptops, when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something walking slowly from one corner of our living room in the direction of my new chair. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was, however, I knew from the looks of its long thin tail it was probably a mouse.

It wigs me out just typing that.

My heart pounded and I tried to get out the words I, just, saw, a, mouse, but instead it sounded something more like “I uh just uh saw uh something uh walking uh over uh there and uh i um think uh it uh was uh a mouse”, all the while holding my chest and trying to regulate my breathing.

Recognizing the same flair for the dramatic that he has witnessed countless times throughout the years we’ve spent together, McDaddy went to grab a flashlight and mumbled something about a water-bug.

I kept my eyes focused on the basket the mouse was hiding behind until McDaddy returned with a flashlight. He scrunched down behind my beloved chair and shined the flashlight behind the basket, only to verify that yes, yes indeed, it was a mouse.

I learned that mice don’t always run.

I immediately lost all sense of rational thought and started to cry.

Yes, I said, “Started to cry”.

And hyperventilate.

And just about any other thing that you can think of.

And no, I am not ashamed.

While McDaddy began formulating a plan and gathering supplies to trap the little sucker, I did what I always do. I updated my Facebook status to something like, “I am on my knees in our new couch because I think I saw a mouse. McDaddy is making a plan.” And then I prayed that God would let that little thing sit his little butt right behind my beloved Longaberger basket until McDaddy could make it back upstairs because I’m telling you folks, had that thing decided to make even the slightest move I might have suffered a heart attack right there in my living room on our new couch.

McDaddy hustled up the stairs with a bucket, a broom and a lid in the hopes that he could lure the thing into the bucket and evict him from our house. As luck would have it, the stupid little sucker had another idea in mind and he ran right back to the corner where our television stand is located thus beginning a stand-off that would ultimately last three hours and fifteen minutes. In the meantime, I made McDaddy promise that he would not take his eyes off of the television stand while I located a mouse trap. I stood watch as he baited the trap with cheese and then I watched as he carefully and successfully slid the trap (with a broom) right beside of the television stand and the mouse.

My McDaddy is such a good man. He has the ability to quickly and rationally assess a situation and act upon it, even in the event that his wife is acting a fool and in need of some very serious anxiety medication and I was reminded once again why I loved him so much.

Would you believe that McDaddy and I sat very quietly (except for my sudden outbursts of frustration and panic) and watched the brazen fool nibble cheese from that trap for the next hour.

I learned that mice are gentle.

I knew I needed to do something because things were not happening fast enough.

Somehow between crying fits and irrational thoughts, I managed to gather my composure long enough to consult with Google about ‘the best way to catch a mouse’. My research taught me that the use of peanut butter on a trap is more effective than cheese. So, McDaddy got the broom, carefully pulled the trap toward him, replaced the cheese with peanut butter, and then used the broom once again to return the trap to its place beside of the television cabinet.

Do you see the Longaberger basket on the bottom shelf? The little joker hung out just under that basket, between the carpet and the glass and even through the layers of dust on the shelf, I could see his hairy little body and know that he was still there. FOR A LONG TIME HE STAYED IN THAT SPOT no doubt mocking me as I whined and cried to McDaddy about not being able to go to sleep until I knew for certain that this thing was out of our house.

I learned that mice do not take kindly to being backed into a corner.

I stood firm for a long time.

I did my best to assess the situation logically, but for the life of me I COULD NOT bring myself to go to bed knowing there was a live, dirty, sneaky little rodent loose in our house. I just couldn’t do it. Each time he made his way to the trap, I prayed that God would snatch that little monster right out of this world.

It never happened.

I learned that mice are patient.

McDaddy and I were up until 2:15 AM EST participating in this stand-off that was happening right in our living room.

The mouse was wearing me down and finally I could do it no more.

My heart was pounding. My throat was parched. My breathing was irregular. And folks, I was sleepy. I fought the urge to stand watch all night long and I walked down the hall to our bedroom as if I were walking to my execution. I crawled into bed with tears in my eyes grasping a tissue. Again I prayed that God would trap this little nuisance.

I woke up the next morning to an empty trap and a missing mouse. After church I went to Lowes and purchased eight (yes, I said eight!) traps. I came home, put some peanut butter on the wood ones and placed six of them in strategic places throughout our home. And by strategic, of course I mean I placed them where I thought I might go if I were a mouse living in this house.

I went all Kevin McCallister with the traps.

As of this writing six of the traps are empty.

The other two traps are downstairs and I have no idea if they are occupied or not.

McDaddy warned that IF the mouse ends up in one of the four glue traps, he will be trapped ALIVE and it will be up to me to remove and discard the sucker if he happens to be away on business and was I ready and willing to do that? And yes, I will be able to remove and discard the little snot in the event that he gets hung up in the trap.

That is if, and only if the sheer horror of my squeal doesn’t kill him first.

That’s what I learned this week.

Now, what did YOU learn?

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You can read the long detailed version of rules here, or follow these easy steps.

1. Any time this week, publish your What I Learned This Week post on your blog and spread the news to your bloggy friends so more people will join in on the fun.

2. Within that post, please mention the What I Learned This Week carnival and link to this post here at From Inmates To Playdates.

3. Then link up with Mr. Linky down below.

4. Visit the other participants and see what they learned this week. Then leave a comment because comments are fun!

You Capture – Warmth

Have I mentioned I’m not big on change?

Because I am not.

Last week Beth announced that You Capture would be moving to Tuesday, or possibly Wednesday to accommodate her American Idol recap posts. I’ll do my best to keep up with the newly revised schedule but who knows if I’ll remember or not.

This week’s challenge is warmth and I’ll just tell you the chances of finding warmth in the out of doors here in West Virginia is slim to none these days, so all of the shots for this week’s post were shot inside.

HURRY UP SPRING. I MISS YOU SOMETHING FIERCE.

I’d like to introduce you to one of my hottest BFFs.

I love to put dinner on by 9:00 AM and and then just sit back and relax for the rest of the day.

Whoever it is that invented the crock pot thing is a genius.

When I’m cold and need to get warmed up (everyday!) I like to enjoy a mug of hot cocoa. It is relaxing and warm and good. In fact, I am enjoying a cup right now IN THIS VERY CUP which is mine, and mine only.

To the couple hundred of you who might be thinking that this sure is a weird picture to include in a picture post about warmth, be ye not mistaken, this little electronic hub in the corner of our living room is INDEED warm enough for a beady eyed joker mouse to hang out under for at least three hours and fifteen minutes last Saturday night while I had a nervous breakdown on McDaddy as we attempted to trap the little sucker. This mouse? He was a crafty one. He moved around in the general vicinity as if he owned the joint and I can tell you with no reservation whatsoever that I was a straight-up crazy person that night. If you look directly to the left and right of the legs of the television stand you will see two black rectangles which happen to be glue traps. At this very moment, there are no less than eight (YES I SAID EIGHT) traps positioned in strategic locations around our home. Each time I enter the house, I scan the joint as if I’m looking for a burglar. Within ten steps of our front door, I can easily see six of the traps and I am just waiting to find the little sucker in one of the them (preferably one of the wood traps that will kill it immediately as opposed to the glue trap which will require me to remove and dispose of the stupid thing).

And make no mistake, I WILL DISPOSE of it. Dead or alive.

But I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent.

So, where was I?

Oh yes.

This next shot.

Right after I took this picture I looked through the screen and immediately thought it looked as though I had been a burn victim. Do not feel sorry for me, for this is a shot of yours truly having a wonderfully relaxing paraffin wax treatment pedicure. I’m pretty sure the hot wax melted the top layer of skin from my legs and feet, but afterwards they were soft as a baby’s butt.

And my toes are now painted with green and sparkle like the night sky, but there’s nothing warm about that, so I won’t show you.

I’m busy sipping hot cocoa and watching for Jerry, I mean Speedy.

Visit I Should Be Folding Laundry for more You Capture posts.

I Have A Confession

Dr. McDaddy,

I have a confession.

And before you ask, no, I did not max out the credit card.

While the girls and I were in North Carolina over the weekend, we stopped at the Concord Mills Mall. There, we enjoyed four glorious uninterrupted hours of shopping. There was A LOT of mall and not A LOT of time, so the four of us made the decision to go our separate ways and meet up later in the evening when the mall closed. That was just fine with me because OH SWEET MOSES there was so much I wanted to see and do and I didn’t want to be hindered by looking at things I wasn’t interested in.

It is rare that I am ever by myself for an extended period of time, so I must admit I felt just a tad-bit guilty when I visited Coldstone Creamery (This is how I roll, ohmyword, it’s delightful!), Lego World, and The Disney Store without you and the boys. Then, I made stops at Burlington Coat Factory and The Coach Outlet thinking I might buy myself something for Valentine’s Day from you, of course to save you some trouble, but it was not to be because none of the 2,317 handbags I tried on my arm completely grabbed me. Before it was all said and done, I stopped at Bed, Bath and Beyond, purchasing only 25 large reusable shopping bags (for PTA popcorn distribution), a head massage thingy and a bottle of glass stove top polish.

Let’s all say it together.

SELF CONTROL.

I was in my glory and minding my own business, until… I met this guy.

I found myself  in the middle of a huge mall in North Carolina on a Friday evening by myself and in a matter of minutes, I met a nice looking fella who grabbed my attention. He was friendly and soft spoken and I couldn’t resist his smile. You know I’m a sucker for a nice smile, right? It was obvious to me that things were about to get out of control. We were still in the middle of the mall, mind you, but I didn’t care. It started out innocently enough, but minutes later, it was obvious that he was into me. The feeling was mutual, because he most certainly had my undivided attention, too. Before long his hands were all over me and it was as if we were there, in the middle of the mall ALL alone. And really, being two states away I felt confident that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew or have to worry about word getting back to you. I enjoyed the short time we spent together and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it to end. Still, it was time for me to move on.

We said our goodbyes and I thanked him for the way I felt. I hope you can understand that I never meant for this to happen. I am thankful to have you and I love you more than anything.

But, you better than anyone on the planet know that I can never turn down a massage.

Even one from a stranger on a Friday night in the middle of the mall.

At a little massage kiosk.

It was the best twenty dollars I spent that weekend.

I am not cheap, but I am most definitely easy.

But you already know that.

Love, Julie

Love Big

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

John 15:12

If You Were… My iPhone

If you were… my iPhone:

  • You would be thrilled that you get so much love and attention.
  • Your home button would get a daily workout.
  • You would be home to 521 songs on the iPod.
  • Sticky little boy fingers would aggravate you and your beautifully clear screen.
  • You’d play the “Workout Mix” more than any other mix.
  • There would be 263 pictures for you to choose from.
  • You’d wonder why I only began texting in December.
  • You would secretly wish I’d ditch the Words With Friends APP so you could catch a break.
  • The first song on your iPod would be All 4 Love by Color Me Badd (Don’t judge!) and your last song would be Your Eyes Don’t Lie by David Archuleta.
  • My impatience would get on your every last nerve.
  • Half of the APPs on your screen would be unused most of the time.
  • You would need four APPs updated at this very minute.
  • The stinky gym would be your least favorite place because of all the sweat.
  • My two different versions of Angry Birds, Twitter and Facebook would probably make you roll your eyes.
  • “Hold Us Together” by Matt Maher would play everytime someone called your number.
  • You’d suggest that I move the K-Love APP to another screen because of all the accidental taps and openings.
  • The fact that I set your alarm daily because I am old and forgetful would make you giggle.
  • It would gross you out to know that the Period Tracker keeps track of um, well never mind.
  • You would be tickled to death that you get to spend the weekend in North Carolina with three wild and crazy girls!

Have a great weekend, y’all!

If Mama Ain’t Happy…

If you think you’ve got it bad and you feel like poopy,

You should thank your lucky stars you’re not outside all snow covered and droopy.

We’re in the hills of West Virginia and our butts? They are cold.

There’s no end in sight, or so we’ve been told.

Spring, where are you? Please get here quick,

Everyone under our roof has taken their turn at being sick.

I’m sick of wind chill and slick roads and snow.

And these freezing cold temperatures? Well, they blow.

It’s another cold day and I tell you I’m done,

My sweet fellas can’t wait to ditch their jackets and play in the sun.

A glorious day it will be when springs comes back around

And I can roll down my windows as I drive around town.

Then I’ll complain about the humidity and the ridiculous heat,

But I’ll be wearing my favorite flip-flops upon my feet.

I get along better when the weather isn’t crappy,

And you know what they say about mama being happy.

This post is linked to You Capture.

Thursday Thirteen – Smiles

I have six or seven drafts ready for Thursday thirteen but each Wednesday when I’m deciding which one to use, none of them seem to grab me. So, today I thought we’d talk about thirteen things that make me smile.

1. When dropping Stevie off at school this morning, the gym teacher commented that he wished all kids “were as good as this one is.” Oh sweet Moses, my heart swelled. I often wonder what I ever did to deserve such a sweet blessing.

2. Mike and Molly – If you haven’t seen this show, YOU NEED TO. It comes on Tuesday nights on CBS. In last week’s episode I laughed because Mike’s mom – as she was preparing for surgery – sat down to discuss her final wishes with her son. Low and behold she pulled out a casket brochure and explained to Mike that she wished to have a solid mahogany casket. I laughed out loud because she is my people. As you may recall that is the casket I’ve picked out too. I cracked the heck up and wondered to myself if the Mike and Molly writers read my blog.

3. My new kitchen rugs. My new rugs are from K-mart and they make me smile because they remind me of spring and becuase they match my kitchen beautifully. AND because they are not soiled with spaghetti sauce or syrup. YET.

4. ‘Words With Friends’ friends – I can’t remember what I ever did with all my free time before there was such a thing as Words With Friends in my life. Most of the ‘friends’ I play are IRL (in real life) friends. The others are URL friends consisting of blog readers or blog friends. One opponent is a person I ‘met’ through twitter. I am thankful for these folks, especially the ones I can count on to make plays in a timely manner. I smile even bigger when I make a 161 point play – the word jeez in case you’re wondering – against a player who admittedly wants to mule kick anyone beating him by 100 points or more.

Yes, I said mule kick.

5. My chair.

I know y’all are so tired of hearing about the chair, but I must tell you I smile each and every time I look at it, sit in it, or move it. My favorite thing about the chair is that it can easily be turned to face the television or turned to face the couch and love seat. It makes me all kinds of happy and was worth every bit of trouble I went through to get it. (Oh, and see that door back there? The yellow door? It is now blue and you can read all about that, here.)

6. Homemade Valentines – I saw this cute Valentine project several years ago and forgot all about it until my URL friend Becca posted them again on her blog. I daresay I am officially in the running for mother of the year.

7. The Gym – It takes all I can muster to hit the gym but once I get there I give it 110% until my foot falls asleep and starts burning. Still, I know my heart thanks me and I know that I’ll be smiling when I start seeing major results.

8. My three special fellas – Sometimes I feel like I’m the luckiest girl alive. I am blessed beyond measure.

9. American Idol – I have been a fan since the very first season. I loved the Simon, Paula and Randy tenure, but I’m loving this new family just as well. I’m excited for another great season.

10. 80 degrees – OH MY GOSH it has been so long since we’ve seen an 80 degree day here in WV. I PINKY SWEAR PROMISE I WILL smile at the first sign of it. I’ve heard all I want to hear about the cold and the snow and the ice and the winter storm advisory and the wind chill and the slick roads and the blah blah blah…

11. Facebook – I know it sounds lame but Facebook makes me smile daily. The information that people choose to share on a public forum fascinates me and I am just nosy enough to check it all out.

12. Breakfast with the girls – Once every couple of weeks I get together with girlfriends for breakfast. Some days there are just two of us, but some weeks the stars align and all five of us get together. We most generally ALWAYS go to iHop where I have the pancake platter with eggs over medium and buttermilk pancakes. I also request that they don’t burn my hash browns because I hate burnt stuff.

13. Is there any question about this one?

No I didn’t think so.

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My favorite things giveaway ends today. Have you signed up yet?

The Crazy Train

Admittedly, I have a strong will, serious opinions and thismuch patience. For that reason, I often find it difficult to slow this crazy train down once something gets in my head.

As you might imagine living with me is a trip.

Take for instance, last Thursday evening. McDaddy and Stevie took off on an impromptu evening ski trip. Because I only need half an excuse NOT to cook, their little trip meant that Alex and I would have dinner out. We took our party to the iHop and talked about things like Sonic the Hedgehog and various reasons I don’t like to ride in our Jeep. My boy is a talker, so there are always lots of questions. After we finished up there, we headed to Lowes because earlier in the day I had decided to purchase some yellow aint so that I could repaint the interior side of our front door.

Once we arrived at Lowes, I gave the lady at the paint counter a sample of the fabric that now presides over our living room (curtains, pillows, rocking chair and even a basket liner). She inserted the fabric into her magic custom paint machine and within minutes it kicked out a goldenrod color (babyfood squash anyone?) that made me snarl my nose and draw my eyebrows into the position that I try to avoid because the wrinkle that has made it’s home between my eyebrows is not pretty.

I quickly thanked her and then no-thanked her. After examining and reshelving every card sample of yellow paint in the place, I was ready to admit defeat and walk out. My crazy train had come to a screeching halt. That is until I held the  fabric up along the rows and rows of blue paint samples. The one pictured here caught my attention and before I had the good sense to even think about what I was doing, I was at the counter purchasing a quart of 4007-8B, otherwise known as wellspring.

On the way home, we had to stop for gas because it was 19 degrees, plus there was a wind-chill advisory I always wait until the last possible second and have no other choice. Once we arrived back at home, I paused for half-a-second thinking that maybe I should wait until McDaddy could take the hardware off of the door to make painting easier, but decided I would just be real careful not to string paint everywhere.

Ha!

I took a good long look at our beautiful yellow door and snapped a picture because I just knew y’all would want to see a before shot. (The “tattoo looking things” on the door have been there since we bought the house. Above the doorknob is an angel that says “Bless all who enter” which is interesting to me considering the fact that she hangs out on the interior side of the door. And, according to Alex the “tattoos” at the bottom of the door are pigs and roosters, though I can’t be sure because I don’t ever remember looking that closely at them.)

 Before I could blink, our bright yellow door looked like this and the crazy train started to slow down.

What in the heck had I done?

At this point it dawned on me that maybe I should wait and discuss this with McDaddy. Not because he is at all concerned with matters of interior decorating mind you, but just because it’s what we do. That lasted all of about three seconds before the crazy train took off again and I ran to keep up.

I’m telling you folks, the madness gets the best of me sometimes.

In the time it took for an episode of The Young And The Restless to run I had the door painted except for the area around the trim and knobs.

 Oh Snap!

The next day McDaddy removed the kick-plate and the trim and I finished the job. The door is now a beautiful shade of blue and it matches my chair and curtains perfectly. I am still not sold on the idea of a blue door. That fact has less to do with the shade of blue and more to do with the fact that I don’t embrace change easily.

McDaddy told me last night that “The door is starting to grow on me.” I agree with him and look at it frequently waiting for the urge to hit. You know, the urge to paint the door yellow. Or white. Or a lighter blue. Or buy new hardware?

As for now I am enjoying this ride on the crazy train, because the crazy train, um, it works for me!

What I Learned This Week

What did I learn this week?

Oh, I thought you’d never ask.

As you can probably guess, the list, is um, lengthy because I learn lots of stuff throughout the week.

1. It is entirely possible to attend a Superbowl party and come away having no earthly idea what the score is.

2. By pressing the home button on your iPhone two times very quickly, you can “reset” the apps that are currently “running” on your iPhone. Tap and touch the app until you see a red minus sign. Once you see the minus sign, tap it again and it will turn the app off until you open it again. Who knew?

3. Much to my surprise, there ARE Tom & Jerry episodes that my boys have never watched.

4. There is such a thing as “too much bleach” and I learned this week that it doesn’t take much.

5. My fabulous blog readers (at least 57 of you!) show up for a giveaway BIG TIME when there are peanut M&Ms involved.

(I’ll be drawing a winner on Thursday!)

6. Bright new kitchen rugs can put a whole new spin on a kitchen floor, especially after dangerous amounts of vinegar and bleach.

7. WordPress will allow you to publish a blog post even if you have forgotten to give it a title.

8. You will feel like an idiot upon seeing that you posted a blog post without a title.

9. When the Mr. Linky or Mcklinky site (or whatever its called) gives you a warning for well over a month that the service is no longer going to be free after February 6, 2011, you should not wait until February 7, 2011 to pay for a subscription because there is a really good chance (especially if you are me!) that there will be a glitch and your account will be locked up for the better part of HOURS before it is squared away.

Serves me right.

10. I received an e-mail from a chemist friend of mine a few days ago (Hey Jodie!). In her e-mail, she basically told me I could have killed myself while cleaning my kitchen floor. She went on to say… 

“This is a bad idea…vinegar is a very weak acetic acid and bleach is a sodium hypochlorite solution.  Mixing an acid with bleach will release chlorine gas, which is toxic.”

So, yeah, apparently, it is dangerous to concoct a white vinegar / bleach cocktail for the purpose of cleaning your kitchen floor because of the acids and the hypochlorite stuff. At the very least it’ll have your head spinning.

Wow. I say it all the time people, this blog is about so much more than just entertainment.

Thanks, Jodie for your care and concern for me! Oh, and McDaddy, this little episode is further proof that I need a maid. Seriously, I coulda been killed!

Now, what did YOU learn this week?

——

You can read the long detailed version of rules here, or follow these easy steps.

1. Any time this week, publish your What I Learned This Week post on your blog. and spread the news to your bloggy friends so more people will join in on the fun.

2. Within that post, please mention the What I Learned This Week carnival and link to this post here at From Inmates To Playdates.

3. Then link up with Mr. Linky down below.

4. Visit the other participants and see what they learned this week. Then leave a comment because comments are fun! And, since I’ve got a nice round list of ten, I am also linking to Top Ten Tuesday.

Letters To Crazy People

Many of you have asked to see our front door since I painted it blue wellspring. And by many of you, y’all do know that I mean five, right? I fully intend on doing a big reveal here on the blog, today is not that day because it would require me to get up, locate my camera, shoot the door, upload the pics, blah, blah, blah.

To be honest, the door is still growing on me and I have not decided if the door will get to keep it’s wellspring blue. I know for certain that I will be going back to Lowes because in my haste to paint the interior side of the door, I accidentally slopped paint on the inside of the door frame meaning our once sage green door frame now has blue stripes along the edge. While I am there I may also purchase a quart of yellow paint to repaint over the blue.

Madness I tell you.

If you’ve been following along, you already know that me and my crazy have been through a lot this week. I thought this would be the perfect time for another installation of letters to crazy people. I may even write a letter to myself. You know, because I am a crazy person.

Some days I am chief of the crazy persons.

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Dear Mark Zuckerberg, 

Has anyone besides me ever mentioned the fact that sometimes your facebook site is a straight-up aggravation? This is especially true when the site refuses to update my notifications. When I see a read 6, I click on the 6 with the expectation of seeing my six new notifications, NOT the notifications from last week. I am the nosiest person I know which translates to I NEED YOU TO UPDATE MY NOTIFICATIONS every. single. time. Your cooperation is appreciated.

Kindly,

A loyal user

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Dear IP Address 79.142.68.99,

You are a spammer. It is my opinion that the bottom floor of the hottest place I can think of is reserved for you. Your IP address has been blocked on my blog which means that any attempt to peddle your site or your junk will be in vain. You need to get a life.

Bite One,

Julie From Inmates

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Dear Crazy People,

Unless you are bleeding or dying or calling to tell me that someone is bleeding or dying, you should, under no circumstances call my house before 10:00 AM EST on a Saturday morning. Few things aggravate me more than my stupid phone ringing while I am still sleeping.

Annoyed,

A Late Sleeper

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Dear Words With Friends Creators,

I respectfully request that one of your engineers create a way to insure that a player can not be given five I’s at one time. Have you ever tried to spell a word with five I’s? Wifi? Tiki? Ibis? Ziti? It makes it so tough on a gal trying to get rid of five I’s. 

I should know because I get them all the time,

Juliewv

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Dear Blog Readers,

I am currently running a give-away for a few of my favorite things. If you have not already signed up, please do so in the next few days. I am including some great stuff and I’d love for you to have a shot at winning it. Plus, there are peanut M&Ms involved.

Excited,

Jules

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Dear Self,

The next time you get the bright idea to purchase blue paint at the Lowes to repaint your front door, you should sleep on the idea for at least 48-hours because you know how you are. After the 48-hour waiting period if you still feel the urge to paint the door, you should go with blue eyes instead of wellspring. I think you’d be much happier with a lighter color. In addition to that, you should be very careful with your painting because you are not good at it. You will have paint strung for miles which means that you will be cleaning paint off of surfaces within a three-foot radius for days.

Just a thought,

Me

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Dear Potty Mouth Steak & Shake Waitress,

Last weekend my little family decided to have dinner at the local Steak & Shake, which means we drove 45 minutes to eat at your establishment. The service was horrible which is almost understandable because obviously you were very busy. I was shocked though when I heard you drop the f-bomb as you prepared soft drinks right beside of our table. First of all, there were two small impressionable children at our table. Secondly, the f-bomb isn’t appropriate in a work place. Lucky for you McDaddy was in charge of the tip, otherwise I would have left a penny just so you could be sure we didn’t forget.

Shocked and Awed,

A Ticked Patron

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Dear Alex,

You have a bed for a reason. It is crazy cold outside which means it is way too cold for you to be camping out on the floor beside my bed. While I know you love being near be, your bed is no doubt warmer and much more comfortable.

Love you sweet boy,

Mama

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Enjoy the crazy internets. There is plenty to go around!