Clothing Optional

Imagine, if you will the following hypothetical (ahem!) situation,

Minutes after arriving home from a three-day mini vacation, you unload your bags, laptop and accompanying paraphernalia in the middle of the  floor, take a quick peek at the Caller ID, listen to the answering machine, grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and head to your office the bathroom.

Because that’s what you do after arriving home after a long trip.

You make a quick stop in your bedroom to shed your clothing – because sweet holy moses you’re sweaty and hot because it’s 183 degrees outside with 99.8% humidity –  and oh my it will feel so much better to use the bathroom without those sticky clothes on.

You park yourself on the potty and hope like heck that maybe, just maybe, you’ll be granted five glorious minutes to sit there in all your naked glory and enjoy the peace before the constant barrage of I’m hungry -hey mom- can I play the Wii- and can I have a drink begin.

And then.

There is  a knock on your front door.

Before you have time to utter a single word, your seven year old goes running to the door because he is a party looking for a place to happen.

He gleefully opens the door and hollers “Hey Ronnie, Come on in!”

Ronnie, your wonderfully helpful next-door-neighbor who is always so great to pick up your mail everytime you’re out of town has noticed that you are back at home and is bringing your mail.

You take a quick look around the bathroom wondering what to do next.

Greeting Ronnie is out of the question because for one you are naked and for two, that would require you to scramble (naked mind you) from the bathroom into your bedroom. A short scramble for sure, but a scramble none the less.

All the while wearing absolutely nothing.

Just a couple feet away from the front door.

You leap up from the potty and say something really dumb, like, “Stevie, mommy will be there in just a second, I’m headed that way!” in an effort to cause confusion and delay because at the time all you think about is your nakedness and what made you ever think it was a good idea to go to the bathroom without your clothes on.

As is always the case, Stevie unleashes into some big windy tail about our trip to Kentucky – and ohmygosh the hotel pool was so cold we froze to death – hey, is this our mail, thanks for bringing it over – and oh, daddy is getting our camper because we’re going camping this weekend – and mommy didn’t answer the door because she is naked in the bathroom – oh my word this child talks more than his mother, I’m sure of it!

Well, maybe he left that last part out, but heavenstobetsy, I was sure holding my breath waiting for the information to be offered.

Did I mention that I was on in the potty?

And I was naked?

Before I could muster the nerve to slide out of the bathroom and into our bedroom to get some clothes on, I heard Stevie saying goodbye to Ronnie and then the door closed.

I exhaled and quickly made my way to my bedroom to get dressed. After that, I high-tailed it into the living room to have a talk with Stevie about inviting people in without first making sure that mommy is fully clothed checking with me.

And considered what a theatrical spectacle this could have been, had it not been, um, purely hypothetical.

This post is linked to me Not Me! Monday over at MckMama‘s place.


  1. says

    LOL That sounds like a similar story I had. The Renegades were much younger and I was in the bathtub with the door open so I could hear what was going on when I heard Hiredman go “Ice cream man.” Then the door opened and I was just in there with a towel. Thank goodness my mother lived next door came over and I yelled at her and she was cracking up at th situation I was in.

    Needless to say I try to no longer depend on a towel to get me out of such situations.
    Renegades recently posted…Today versus two months agoMy Profile


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