If by chance your child ever swallows a coin, there are a few things you should know.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Because it was definitely not my usually level headed four year old child who held his throat with fear in his eyes and admitted he had just swallowed a penny. Because if that had been my child, I would have thought? Wow. now what?
My usually not-level headed self would probably assume he was going to die within the hour because that’s how my dramatic mind works it can’t be safe to swallow a penny, right? And then, I would probably say a super quick prayer asking God to guide the thing to a safe place as I offered him a drink because I wouldn’t want it to get lodged in his little throat.
After catching my breath, it might dawn on me that perhaps I should phone his pediatrician because wouldn’t a pediatrician want to know if one of their patients swallowed a penny?
Yes, I believe so.
After waiting for a sweet forever on the phone, the pediatrician would probably pick up the phone and offer her condolences in light of the upcoming festivities explain that coin swallowing is a common occurrence among young children.
Glad my child would never swallow a penny.
Then, when she continues with the whole “swallowing a penny or a dime is the best coin to swallow because it is the easiest to pass” you might be caught off guard.
Well that’s crappy, I would think to myself.
For those of you following along with this purely hypothetical situation, your assumption that passing the penny is only one part of the solution would be correct. The other part of the solution would require someone (probably the kid’s mama) to make sure that he had indeed passed it.
At that point, I would probably flip my ever-lovin-lid and throw up in my mouth.
Because have you ever thought about looking for a penny in a pile of poop?
I didn’t think so.
Lucky for me, this was only hypothetical. (Ahem!)
For the life of me, I would not be able to think of an easy way to go about that crappy task. It might dawn on me that resurrecting the potty chair from storage would have to be simpler than the porcelain alternative. Especially since we are planning a week-long-trip to New Orleans the very next day.
It is also entirely possible by the way, that this hypothetical incident could happen just days after your 19-month old fell into a cactus.
Yes, I said a cactus.
Scratching my head in disbelief, I might wonder what I did to deserve this crap these two sweet boys.
Have you ever had to pick cactus needles out of a 19-month old?
Or dissect a pile of poop looking for Abe Lincoln’s smiling face?
For some reason I must have skipped the hypothetical chapter in “What to Expect When Your Expecting,” as I don’t recall reading “How to dislodge cactus needles.” I also don’t remember the “When your child swallows a penny” chapter.
Oh, and for those who are wondering about the course the penny will take, you know, in the event your child might accidentally swallow a penny while making his brother laugh – the supposed route is – MOUTH – ESOPHAGUS -STOMACH (there it will join breakfast, lunch and dinner and then happily sit until it makes it’s way through the miles of) SMALL INTESTINES – LARGE INTESTINES – and yes, you guessed it, the RECTUM.
Google Research taught me that the Lincoln penny was the first U.S. cent to include the words, “In God We Trust.” If this had really happened, I would think yes indeed I was trusting God alright. I was trusting God to move this penny quickly and safely out of my baby’s body.
Having to go all Mad Scientist on the poop for ten days (complete with rubber gloves and a plastic fork) would probably be a gross, nasty, disgusting, crappy, tedious but apparently necessary job. The sad part is that after ten days of dissecting the contents of the child’s stomach each. and. every. friggin. day. one might NOT find the penny. If that were the case, you would probably be advised to visit the ER for an X-ray. And if the penny was in fact missing from your child’s body you would probably feel like kicking something because your dissection skills? Um, suck.
Thankfully, this was only a hypothetical situation.
If you were to ever find yourself in a similar situation, I now understand the dissection is much easier when it involves hot water, a strainer and some patience.
That’s all for now because I am pooped and ready for bed.